059. Why are you stuck in a Parent-Child Allegiance? (Part 1)
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"Things are so great between us…until the kids are around! Then there's just a ton of tension and we end up arguing about everything!"
We've heard this from countless step-couples over the years. It isn't surprising because the stepfamily structure puts couples on opposite ends of an experiential divide — leaving us feeling frustrated and maybe even hopeless.
But here's what we've discovered…
…at the root of stepfamily structure are relationships that have been reordered. This leads to a dynamic called a parent-child allegiance — which puts the marital relationship on the "back burner" and robs us of the unity we really want.
Sometimes it can feel like the kids have all the power and control. The bio-parent feels stuck between their spouse and their kids — trying to maintain parental authority, but feeling like they can't please anyone. Step-parents inevitably feel excluded, unheard, and devalued — stuck on the outside.
A parent-child allegiance will eventually drive a wedge of confusion, resentment, anger, and disconnection between spouses. If it continues, the marriage will never be elevated and recognized as the relational foundation of the home (where it really needs to be for the family to thrive).
To many step-couples, this feels impossible to overcome. But, what if you could move beyond long-standing parent-child allegiances and get united as a team around parenting? What if you could maintain stability for the kids AND elevate the status of your marriage at the same time?
The truth is, YOU CAN!
And the first step is to understand and overcome the emotional barriers that stand in the way. These barriers are most likely keeping you stuck in unhealthy parenting patterns that typically lead to marital conflict.
This is a BIG topic…so big that we'll be taking a deep dive over the next several episodes to help you identify the barriers that might be holding you back and offer practical support for both bio and step-parents!
In this episode, you'll hear the first half of our conversation about the challenges bio-parents often face when they're stuck in a parent-child allegiance. We'll share the rest of the conversation in the next episode.
After that, keep an eye out for our discussion around the step-parent's barriers — plus some practical steps that can help you both overcome all these challenges.
You'll Discover:
Common parenting patterns that create a parent-child allegiance
How to begin reversing parent-child allegiances by understanding the emotional barriers of the bio-parent
Kim's struggle with the barriers of guilt and fear — which dictated parenting decisions and weakened her parental authority
Resources from this Episode:
Episode 49: Should Your Highest Priority Be Your Marriage…or Your Kids?
Episode 21: What is the Stranded Stranger & Trapped Teammate Experience?
BOOK: The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal
BOOK: Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay
Episode 4: Can you overcome your parenting-style differences?
Blog: How to Parent as a Team and Steer Clear of Power Struggles
Ready for personalized support? Schedule your free coaching call
We all need some extra support along the blending journey — we're here to help. You can connect with us for a free coaching call to see how we might help you experience more clarity, confidence, and connection in your home. Schedule your free call here: https://calendly.com/mikeandkimcoaching/freesession
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With so many episodes available here on the show, it might feel a bit overwhelming to find the topics that matter most to you. That's why we've created the Blended Family Breakthrough Quiz which will direct you to the most impactful episodes that pertain to you personally.
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