007. Toxic Exes and Hurting Kids — 5 Steps That Help (Part 1)
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Toxic Exes can impact lots of things…and it could be that nothing is more worrisome than how they impact our kids.
The good news is that you can counteract the negative influence of that Toxic Ex with some simple tools. You can guide your kids through their difficult emotions — and you don't have to be a child psychologist to do that well!
We'll walk you through the basics of what Dr. John Gottman calls Emotion Coaching in this episode. It's a process that any parent or step-parent can learn.
Listen to the episode and then as you practice implementing it in your home, keep coming back here to remind yourself of the steps.
Here they are…the 5 steps of Emotion Coaching:
Awareness & Listening: continually listening with empathy. Notice not only the words your child is expressing, but also their non-verbal cues. Stress, an upset tummy, slouched posture, withdraw…these can all be clues that your child may need some emotional support.
Adopt an "Opportunity Mindset": when a child is expressing negative emotions you want to recognize this as an opportunity to build intimacy and connection with them. Often we want to avoid painful conversations or we feel inadequate to help them, but the truth is you have what it takes and you want to take advantage of these opportunities to build your relationship with your child.
Validate their Emotions: empathetically reflect back to your child the emotions you believe they are feeling and asking them to share more. When you help them feel understood by validating them, you are creating a sense of safety and security in their relationship with you.
Label the Emotions: help your kids develop an "emotional vocabulary" by labeling their emotions. Studies show that when kids (and adults) are able to accurately identify and verbalize their emotions, it calms the nervous system and allows for healthy processing. Remember to stay focused on their emotions.
Problem-Solving: asking open-ended questions that help guide your child toward a possible step forward that they have discovered for themselves. This step is focused on the child coming up with the solution as opposed to you solving it for them.
Inside this Episode:
Preparing ourselves to emotionally support our child(ren)
What is Emotion Coaching?
Coaching our kids when their difficult emotions are tied to a Toxic Ex
5 Steps to Emotion Coaching
Resources from this Episode:
Episode 006 - Learn about the "Neutral Zone"
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Dr. John Gottman
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